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Despite the fact we all share the same senses and feelings, society often labels any show of emotion in a negative way. It’s almost as if it’s not ‘normal’ to have feelings. I wonder why, when emotions are so fundamental to the way we are and the way we interact, do we often see them as getting in the way?
What are we taught about feelings and emotion?
Perhaps this issue starts when we are young. At school, and even at home, emotions are labelled. If a child has a tantrum, the parents will try to stop it or will punish ‘bad behaviour’. Schools, too, don’t really teach us about our emotions (although with the greater visibility and acceptance of mental illness in today’s society, I’m pleased to say this is slowly changing). Again, when we’re at school, if we’re in a bad mood this is linked to bad behaviour.
It’s no wonder we learn not to express our emotions.
Confusion
We all have the same range of emotions, but we tend to only think of a few descriptors. We often struggle to put the right word on what we are feeling. This may be because we aren’t in the habit of analysing what we feel, or it might be because, in the heat of the moment, the most obvious thing that comes to mind is the easiest to remember.
This brings me to the feeling wheel. This handy tool is one I turn to frequently for my own purposes as well as when I am coaching. It’s really interesting to see how I can work towards an exact descriptor of what I am feeling and that this, in turn, helps me to understand and process my emotions. For example, feeling angry and checking the wheel might lead to me realising that I am actually frustrated. I then have a much greater chance of pinpointing the trigger for this and potentially dealing with it. I used it recently with a coaching client who commented that he ‘didn’t realise how many different feelings there were.’
Better out than in
Despite this continual attempt to rein our feelings in, it’s actually far better for us, both personally and professionally, to let them out. Bottling up feelings is obviously going to make us stressed, but they are also likely to become a block for us, either in terms of moving forward in our lives or even creatively or emotionally in different areas of our lives.
Take a member of a team who is annoyed with their boss. This might start out as a niggle but, if it is repeatedly ignored or squashed down, this emotion will eventually change the relationship between the two people. As leaders, it’s important for us to encourage our people to express their feelings without judgement: yes, it’s up to us to break that habit of a lifetime and embrace people’s feelings. Why? Because getting these things out on the table and having a grown up, balanced conversation about them builds trust. Trust is probably the single most powerful element in a positive relationship. It generates loyalty, improves understanding and empathy and leads to better performance.
An equation of Trust
In short, high performance needs trust. There’s a well-known ‘equation’ I like to refer to when coaching people on the importance of trust in leadership. It looks like this:
Trustworthiness = credibility + reliability + intimacy
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnSelf-orientation
Or, in short: T = C+R+I/S
You can find out more about the equation here.
It’s far easier for us to fulfil the credibility and reliability aspects of the recipe for being seen as trustworthy… the intimacy word scares us. But it’s there for a reason: because without it, we haven’t truly let our guard down and no-one with a metaphorical wall around them can really be trusted. Intimacy, in this sense, is about vulnerability, and showing you’re only human too.
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