By this time of year most of us are running a little hot, especially with the recent heatwave! The diary is packed, the summer brings holidays and school disruption before you know it, and work never slows down for you to catch up. When life gets busy like this, the first things we drop tend to be the ones that keep us steady and well in the first place. The walk, even if it’s 10 minutes at lunchtime. The proper lunch break, or the evening that was meant to be all ours.
Part of the reason is that we find it so hard to say no. For leaders, who often pride themselves on being the dependable one who never lets anyone down, it can feel harder still.
Saying no is looking after yourself
We hear a lot about FOMO, the fear of missing out. But there’s just as much to be said for its opposite, JOMO, the joy of missing out.
Think of someone deciding not to go to something they would normally turn up to; a regular industry dinner, say, or a committee they sit on outside of work. They’re not unwell, or double-booked. They simply know they don’t have the capacity or headspace for long conversations or politics that week, and that being there would take more than it gave. So, they say “no”.
That’s really what a boundary is about: knowing what you need in the here and now, and honouring it, even when other people don’t fully understand. One of the most honest reasons to decline something is “this wouldn’t be good for my mental health.” Yet almost nobody feels able to say that out loud. Most of us reach for what we see as a more acceptable excuse instead.
Protecting your capacity doesn’t mean damaging relationships. Done well, it does the opposite. People trust a considered “no” far more than a resentful “yes”.
No is the start of a conversation, not the end of one
Saying no at work doesn’t have to be instant and doesn’t need to be final. When someone brings you a request, there is another option between agreeing on the spot and refusing outright, and that’s to get curious first.
Resist the pull to answer straight away and ask instead: What’s the real priority here? What’s the actual deadline? What are they trying to achieve? The answers often make the decision for you, and sometimes those conversations confirm that saying no is the right course of action. Other times they reveal something you hadn’t seen, and what looked like a “no” becomes a “yes” you can genuinely get behind. It also helps to remember that yes and no aren’t the only answers on offer. Sometimes “no” simply means “not yet.” You can still get to a yes later, once the timing or the shape of the request is right. Curiosity before commitment, every time.
If saying “no” is something you find difficult, here are a few things to try:
- Pause and think before you answer. You’re allowed to say, “Let me come back to you on that.”
- Ask a question or two before you decide. Curiosity buys you clarity.
- Notice when a “no” is really a “not yet” and say so.
- Remember that every “yes” you give is a “no” to something else, often something that matters more.
Saying no is not about shutting people out; it’s being honest about what you can give, so that the yeses you do offer actually mean something.
The next time you feel that pull to agree before you’ve really thought about it, pause and ask yourself one question: Are you saying yes because it’s the right thing to do, or because you’re afraid of what happens if you say no?
If any of this feels familiar and you would like help finding your own way to say it, do get in touch.